Dear Shadow
by Shattered Reality
Summary: Kodachi is short on money and so she starts working as an advice columnist. The problem being... she doesn't know how to give good advice. R&R PLEASE!


Well, this is a "Dear Abby" type story inspired by the Star Wars fanfic about "Agony Yoda." I thought that it was really funny so I decided to write this, in which Kodachi starts working for the school newspaper as an advice columnist. A lot of different anime characters write to her for advice (you can figure out who they are from their problem and what fake name they use) and she gives it to them -- the only problem being that she's not exactly good at giving advice...  
  
Kodachi's name for the advice column is Shadow. Therefore, nobody knows that it's her. (Just humor me on that one...)  
  
A note to anyone who doesn't follow Ranma 1/2 and who only came here because it's sort of a cross-over fic: Kodachi, aka Twisted Sister, is a girl with a very evil mind. She is trying to snare Ranma as her husband and will stop at nothing: paralysis powder, sleeping potions, blackmail... they are just a small part of her plan.  
  
Things between *s are Kodachi's thoughts.  
  
And now, on to the story!  
  
  
  
  
Kodachi sighed as she placed another batch of cookies in the oven. She had started a bake sale to raise enough money to buy some new weapons to play with, but it didn't seem to be working. So far, twenty people had sued her because they accidentally ate one of the cookies that she'd set aside for Ranma and ended up unconsious on the lawn. It just didn't seem to be working.  
  
*Well, if I can't make any money this way...* Suddenly, she had a plan. A good plan. An extremely twisted plan: she'd take over her brother Kuno's job. After all, he had completely forgotten that he was supposed to be doing the school newspaper's advice column - at an amazing pay of $150 dollars a week! - and the letters were already piling up at the house. All she'd have to do was keep Brother Dear's pen name, Shadow. She gathered up a few of the letters, spread them out on the kitchen table, and began to answer them.  
  
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Dear Shadow,  
I have a problem. None of the girls seem to like me. I've asked the whole teenage female population of Japan out on dates now and they all refuse. Am I not handsome enough? Am I not extrodinarily sexy? But no -- they call me an old pervert! They do not understand that my obsession with their underwear is merely my way of showing them my affection! What should I do?  
- 'Da Hot Thief  
P.S. You sound cute. Can I have your phone number?  
  
Dear Thief,  
Your problem is that you are an ugly old man! Your obsession grosses me out, and I pity the whole teenage female population of Japan. Please hire a psychiatrist immediately. My phone number?!? OVER MY DEAD BODY, YOU PERVERT!!!  
- Shadow  
  
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Dear Shadow,  
I have recently been tempted to distribute embarassing photos of the son of my father's friend. I hate the annoying son, who is crossdressing in the photos. And I need advice. No, not about whether this is right or wrong. About how many photos I should distribute.  
- Beautiful Blackmailer  
  
Dear Blackmailer,  
He's annoying? Well then, go for it. And good luck. I think that about 1,000 photos should be enough for the first round. Make sure to send me a copy!  
- Shadow  
  
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Dear Shadow,  
My problem is very unusual. You see, a few years ago I was in China and I fell into this spring. I was a boy before then, but now I turn into a girl whenever cold water touches me and back into a boy whenever hot water touches me. At first I was like, "Hey dad, this is all your fault!" and I was happy about it because it gave me a good reason to kick my annoying father's ass. But now I want to remove this curse. All of the boys who keep trying to date my girl form are really grossing me out. Do you have any suggestions?  
- Half a Man  
  
*Oh drat, I don't know what to say. I'll have to just make something up.*  
  
Dear Half,  
Yes, that is unusual. If you are really determined to get rid of your "curse," I suggest that you follow the ancient ritual of... of... Rekinaghwai. It's a really old spell that was, uh, lost a couple hundred years ago. It makes your wishes come true. You have to, umm... ah... cover yourself in vegeatable oil. Yeah. Vegeatable oil. And then you run naked around a shrine while clucking like a chicken. I, uh, hope that this helps you.  
- Shadow   
  
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Author's notes: Well, did you like it? There's more to come, some of which will be written by characters from other shows than Ranma 1/2. Since I'm currently working on six other stories, whichever ones get the most reviews will be the ones that are updated the soonest, so make sure that you review! 


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